untitled

Today, we all learned one thing.

Holy kettle corn was not made by using kettles. And apparently, other kinds of popcorn never will be.

So much for that.

amen.

Flustered Rage

You're walking alone and you cross the street. As you cross, you see that to your right, several cars are making their ways towards you. You stop dead on your tracks and freeze as you look at the car that's about to collide into you head-on. Have you ever had that feeling? The feeling that time is standing still or the cars go into slow-motion as they get near you. After staring at the car as it nears you, you realize that it has stopped. A little later, you'll see whoever driving the car throwing a fit since you're still frozen in your tracks. He's waiting for you to cross.

You find yourself thinking, Well, go on. Go on your way. You're on a hurry, right? You're pissed off, right? Go on, run over me. Go on! What are you waiting for? Take your anger out on me. Go on. Run over me. What? Why aren't you? You're scared, right? Yeah, that's right. There's a law. There's a traffic officer right in front of you. He won't let you run me over to shreds. Yeah. So stop your fucking tantrum and let me cross the fucking street.

Yeah, that happens a lot to me. Almost everyday I walk my familiar route, and as I cross the streets leading me to my destination, I usually encounter the occassional angry driver who would honk his horn at me, telling me to get the hell out of his way. Well, like I said, if you're so pissed off at me, and you're in such a fucking hurry, then go on, run me down. But I know they won't. See, no matter how mad you get at that guy who's too damn slow to get out of your way, you wouldn't -- for the life of you-- dare to run that person over. You know you're better than that. Add to that the fact that I'm going through a shitload of difficulties. Now you know why honking your horn and feverishly throwing a tantrum through your windshield wouldn't really help you, and would only make me feel happy that I just spread the "love" around. So the next time you're faced with this situation, think again.

So I continue walking and I realize, Fucking hell, I just made a big mess. How the hell am I gonna fix this shit up? Well, it isn't really easy. You're gonna have to go through a lot of contemplating and you're gonna see that it really is your fault. Every fucking thing that went wrong is your fucking fault. You're gonna blame yourself, just like how I am blaming myself. It's my fault. I caused this mess. I'm the reason why this happened. Damn it! I caused this pain. I caused the fucking world's pain! I'm the reason why Hezbollah kidnapped those Israeli soldiers! I'm the reason why Michael Jackson chose to go white! I'm the reason why every night some unlucky bastard gets killed for singing "My Way" in some skanky KTV bar! I'm the reason why that rapist won't stop his fucking libido! I'm the reason why Andres Bonifacio died! I'm the reason why our country's fate is so fucked up! Yeah, blame everything on me! This is all my fault! Yes, I know you've seen yourself thinking this way in the past. We all have.

We choose to blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong. Sometimes, in all the confusion and chagrin, we even choose to blame God for this. But, who are we to just sit here and blame ourselves while the damn problem isn't solving itself? While we're sitting on our asses ranting on and on about how this whole piece of crap is our fault, we can look around and see that the problem's only getting worse. It's getting out of hand. Pretty soon, after drowning ourselves in our sorrow and regret, the problem would have grown bigger and became totally uncontrollable. Maybe it's time to take some action. Maybe it's time to stop preaching and start practicing. Yeah.

But for now, where does this leave me? I don't have a medium. I don't know where to start. Show me where to go. Tell me what to do first. I'm too flustered and immersed in all of this that I fail to see just what I've really done and how I can amend this. Come up to me and tell me straight up that I should stop ranting, that I can still do something about this. Give me that last bit of hope, that last tidbit of optimism, that last piece of sanity that I can cling on to with my fingertips like the poor cling on to knives to survive. Let me survive. Save me.

Currently Listening Blurring the Edges By Meredith Brooks Bitch see related

Woman

It's amazing how just one being can do so much by being present, and yet at the same time, cause as much pain not being around. It's mind-bending how they can manipulate our feelings with a simple word, a facial expression, a gesture, or the absence of such. It's a mystery as to how or why they actually affect us this way. Why is it that their presence gives us days of ecstacy and euphoria and their absence only brings nights of sorrow and pain? Was life meant to be like this? Where does this leave us?

She gives us life. She is the one who brings us into this world. Through her love, she gives birth to life. She would risk her own to give us ours. Every waking day, we see this love, manifested in all her actions. Every smile, every word, every hug, every kiss, she cherishes it dearly. She would sacrifice so much for the one she loves. Nothing would be worth more than her precious treasure. Nothing. She is love... Love that gives birth to life...

She's a delicate and carefree little fairy. She gives us the joy that we would never see in this superficial world we live in today. Even the most simplistic things around would seem to complete her days. She is fascinated by the little things, not once taking into mind the conflicts that surround her. This isn't important to her. She just wants to be happy. Experience all the joy that life has for her, and share this to those willing enough to be touched by her. Her gentleness fills the air and her song echoes on leaving tidbits of her carefree life into our souls...

She's everything you have ever imagined. She makes your world go round. She brings the color and vigor into your life. She gives you meaning for everything you do. She is the reason for your existence. She's your first thought at daybreak and your last at nightfall. Every obstacle seems like one you can overcome with her by your side. Her presence alone makes you feel invincible. You feel that you take away each other's vulnerability and weakness. She epitomizes all that is good in life. She fills in every gap, every hole in your life. She's like your better half. She multiplies all the gladness you experience and kisses away the sting of failure in an instant. Nothing seems to go wrong when you're with her. She is the one. Without her, you are incomplete. Without her, you are obsolete... You ain't shit without her.

You thought that you had everything with her by your side. You thought she completed you. You thought that she would make everything dissipate in her dimension of deceit, blindness, and pain. Yeah, you thought. You thought wrong. She destroyed everything. She exacerbated the pain. She opened up all the wounds. She poured all the acid down your throat. She gouged your eyes out. She delivered all the pain in the world right to your doorstep, straight to your heart. All those days of happiness, they're gone. In come the nights filled with sorrow and anguish. You feel dejected, don't you? Feel that she ruined everything? That she duped you? Yeah, feel like getting that knife now, huh? Feel like cutting yourself and letting that built-in morphine supply kick in, huh? Feel like probably drinking that bottle of acetone, huh? Yeah, you feel like you wanna die, huh? Now that she's gone, you feel like life's got no meaning... Like life is worthless... Like fate just fucked around with you... Yeah, that's a woman for you...

She completes you, and when she's gone, you feel so naked. She's everything that you could ever want, hope, and wish for. But at the same time, she could be everything you ever dreaded. She can bring you all the joy in the world. But at the same time, she can make your life a living hell. She is the one who gives you a reason to live, and at the same time, takes it away in a flash. She gives you your life and at the same time, may also cause its end. Yes, that's a woman... The biggest paradox known to man today... So painful, so mysterious... Yet so beautiful...

Bitch by Meredith Brooks (Blurring the Edges; 1997)

I hate the world today
You're so good to me, I know
but I can't change
Tried to tell you but you looked at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch
I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell
I'm you dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch
I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell
I'm you dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think you got me figured out
The season's already changin'
I think it's cool you do whatcha do
and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch
I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell
I'm you dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch
I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you're hurt
When you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb
I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Pain, the Inevitable...

Bilog ang mundo. Sinasabi nga nilang parang gulong ng palad talaga ang buhay. Kung ganun nga, eh di halata naman talagang hindi nating maiiwasang maging maligaya sa buhay. In the same light, hindi rin natin maiiwasang malumbay at makaranas ng sakit at hapdi na idinudulot ng buhay. So we go through life, right? Iniisip nating magiging maayos ang araw natin from the time that we wake up until most probably 'yung time na matutulog ulit tayo. Obvious yan, timang lang naman ang hindi umaasa para sa ganyan eh. So you wake up fine and dandy, having great expectations for the day ahead of you. Pero ano ang mangyayari oras na lumabas ka ng bahay? Paglalaruan ka na naman ng kapalaran.

Each time na nagsulat ako dito sa blog ko at nakikita ninyo ang mga salitang "paglalaruan ka na naman ng kapalaran", or "fate plays with you again", papasok sa isip niyo na gagaguhin na naman kayo ng buhay, that everything's gonna get fucked up again. Right? Well, most likely ganyan naman talaga ang nangyayari, but let's take a look at it in a new way. Sabihin nating, maganda ang simula ng araw mo. Everything's going just the way you want it to go. Ang ayos talaga ng hitsura mo, mukhang handang-handa ka sa anumang pagsubok ang ibato sa iyo ng buhay.

So most of the day goes well, right? Patuloy lang ang suwerte, that's what keeps going through your mind. That's when little by little, pumapasok na ang mga asungot sa buhay mo. Everything starts going wrong, one by one. So what am I trying to tell you here? Simple lang naman eh. For every bit of happiness and joy you experience in this life, may katumbas 'yang sakit na madarama mo sa bawat sandaling lilipas. See, life isn't what you see it as. It's always going to hit you right when you think it hits you left. And most often than not, we always come out beaten, messed with. Life fucks with us everyday, and it's a fact that we all have to accept.

Noong binabasa namin 'yung Florante at Laura, iniisip ko kung nanggagago lang talaga si Balagtas nung sinabi niya through Florante 'yung for every joy you experience, you get pain that is sevenfold", or something like that. It's translated, so sue me. Who knew that it was actually so true? Napakasakit talaga ng buhay. And despite this high cost of living, it's still very popular. Why? I don't know. Baka tanga lang talaga tayong lahat na patuloy na nabubuhay only to fall and fall, time and time again. Baka hindi lang talaga natin alam na pinagtitripan lang tayo araw-araw ng kapalaran. Personally, di ko rin alam. Ang alam ko lang ay hindi natin ito matatakasan, anuman ang gawin natin.

What now? To be honest, I don't know. I haven't the slightest piece of shit to say to anyone who tells me what we can do about this inevitable pain. All we can do is to suck it up and keep taking these punches. I guess that's just part of this life, right? That we keep hurting for each piece of joy we experience. So, is it better to just live life without any join so as to not experience pain? Or is it better to avoid living in goodness and gladness para kahit masaktan ka man, di mo masyado mararamdaman ang hapdi at kirot? Bahala na. Ganito lang naman talaga tayong lahat eh, naghihintay sa wala...

Disclaimer: No song is available that fully expresses the emotion depicted in this blog entry. If you can find one, please, tell me. I would appreciate it.

Currently Listening Greatest Hits (w/ Bonus DVD) By Creed What's This Life For? see related

What's This Life For?

What’s this life for? You tell me. I’ve gone through it for sixteen years and still, I have no fucking idea as to what the answer to that question is. People go through life trying to find its purpose and meaning, and most often than not, they end up failing and committing suicide. I guess that some other people are just lucky that they actually find their reason for living and die as happy persons. But what about people like myself? People who seemingly have no direction? We keep waking up each day and asking ourselves, what’s this life for? Why was I put into this world? Surely, there must be a reason. I mean, every freaking psychologist, psychiatrist, CLE teacher and adult would tell every little kid they know that they were put into this world for a purpose. But the age-old question is what? See, here’s where they fail. They fail to tell the kid just what their purpose is. They keep on saying crap like the fact that they have a purpose. I don’t want to hear that shit. I already know that there’s a purpose for my life. I want to know what it is, and so does every other dude out there who’s been told endlessly that he has a reason for living.

So pag sinabi nilang may purpose nga 'tong buhay mo, siguro sinasabi rin nilang oras na nagawa mo na 'yung dapat mong gawin, babawiin ka na ng Panginoon, diba? Parang ang mangyayari, once you find your purpose and fulfill it, tapos na ang buhay mo, kukunin ka na ng Diyos. Hindi ba medyo mali 'yun? 'Cause when you think about it, if your purpose was actually to help one person change his life, like turn away from drugs or from making a whore out of himself/herself, and that alone, and after that, he would die in a plane crash, then didn't that just prevent him from helping other addicts or whores out in the future? Kasi tuwing may namamatay, sinasabi palagi sa mga eulogy nila that they already fulfilled their purpose. Kung ganoon, eh di, why give the person a purpose to live pa? Hindi naman niya matutulungan ang mga iba after he fulfills it anyway eh. So, I don't see the point because your purpose seems so limited na lang. Parang limitado ka lang talaga. So, mapapatanong ka pa rin, what's this life for?

Now looking back at what I just thought about right there, siguro mas magiging okay na lang if we don't spend our life looking for its purpose because if we do, sobrang sayang kasi sobrang limitado ka lang doon sa purpose na 'yun. Instead, we'd be better off if we just spend our lives making the most out of them. If you find comfort and solace in helping others out, then just go out there and do it. If you find joy in just being with the people you truly care about, then cherish each moment you spend with them. Because at the end of it all, when you look back at your life on your deathbed, maiisip mo naman talaga na iisa lang talaga ang purpose sa buhay ng lahat ng tao eh... Iisa lang, and that is to make the most out of our lives. And how you make the most out of your life is up to you. So, now, iiwan na kita with this question. What's your life for?

What's This Life For by Creed (Creed: Greatest Hits; 2004)